Imagine you’ve lived in the same house for many years, with the same people. You’ve built up routines and traditions – every Christmas you do it the same way; every Sunday you sit down in the afternoon to watch a particular TV programme, usually with a similar TV dinner; you listen to the same radio station as you’re doing the washing up in the evenings. You’re comfortable. You’ve decorated your house how you like it. It’s pretty good.
Now imagine, all a sudden, some lodgers moved in. For some reason they were just there. You did your best to accommodate their needs. You made sure there was food they liked in the fridge. You checked whether their rooms were comfortable. You did your best to make them feel welcome.
Then you heard these lodgers talking among themselves. They were complaining about the food you provided and how it wasn’t the same as what you were used to. They grumbled how often you didn’t get hold of the things they really wanted or if you tried, it just wasn’t as good as back home. They didn’t like your taste in music and wished you’d stop playing it. They wanted to watch a different programme on Sunday evenings and found this tradition of watching the same show annoying. They wanted to redecorate because they found your taste garish. They joked about how simple, old-fashioned and, in someways, backwards you were.
Then it started to get really strange. They started to wear your clothes. And all the time they were complaining how the didn’t fit and how they were uncomfortable. You came home one day to find the kitchen gutted. They were remodelling it for you with “better” and “nicer” appliances – ones you never asked for. It was going to be in a more modern style.
Surely, you would think they are terrible lodgers! They’re rude, entitled and opinionated. Their remarks are arrogant and unnecessary.
So why is it that as expats living as guests in a country that is not our own, we often act like these lodgers. We complain that the foods or the amenities we are used to aren’t available. We mock their music or tastes or traditions. If we are inconvenienced by these things in the slightest, we act like they specifically designed it to irk us.
I know that I’ve been guilty of this. I joked to my Khmer friend about how difficult it was to understand how Khmer people don’t plan things. I explained British people always plan and sometimes it was difficult for me that they didn’t plan trips beforehand. He simply replied:
Oh, that’s because we’re poor.
He went on to explain that often they had to wait until a few days before the event to check whether they had enough money to actually go. There was no point in making plans just to be disappointed when you couldn’t afford to do it. Even if they were trying to save, illnesses or flat tires or running out of gas in your stove would mean you’d have to pay out. So, it is just easier to make plans when you know they could happen.
Obviously, I felt foolish and cruel. I had shown no understanding or kindness. I had not attempted to see things from their point of view. I’d thought I’d try their lifestyle a bit, put on their clothes and then complain when it didn’t fit. They were gracious enough to include me in their trips and their holidays, and I just focussed on how one aspect of it rubbed up against my cultural experiences.
There is also an arrogance when it comes how we treat Khmer people. If their worldview isn’t the same as ours, we dismiss them as simple or backwards. We forget that their ideas might just be as complex and meaningful, we just haven’t taken the time to explore them. Or that due to hierarchies and social roles, it’s not the employees’ job to solve the problem, it’s the bosses’.
We also forget that they are not stupid, they just haven’t had the same opportunities. They haven’t had piano lessons and ready access to a computer since they were a child. I know many of my Khmer friends, with their dedication and intellect, would have far outpaced me if we had attended the same schools. It’s just that we didn’t.
So, we often come in, high on our degree certificates and a book we read, thinking we have a solution. We demolish things that may have been working fine and decided they need an overhaul just because they don’t suit our “modern” tastes.
So, I’m trying to learn. Currently, I’m sat in my bedroom with a funeral happening outside. This means loud music, gongs, and my motorbike sometimes being blocked in. But I’m a guest. Why should I feel that they should change years of tradition just for me? Who am I to criticise or moan? So, for now, I’ll try to focus on the privilege it is to have been welcomed into this nation and how rich the experience is – weddings, funerals and all.
When have you been unfairly critical of a part of your host culture?
Where could you be more generous and understanding?
What areas of conflict between your culture and your host culture have you experienced? How did you resolve this?
What resources or experiences have been particularly helpful in feeling more integrated or at least understanding your host culture?
These last few weeks (or perhaps months) have felt a little bit like death by a thousand cuts. (This was a form of execution or post-mortem humiliation, where a criminal would have parts of their body cut off and limbs amputated one by one.) My problem is that I happen to be a bit of a “yes” person. I like to help where I can and I find it hard to say no. What ends up happening is that I will have a large range of commitments in different areas and I have been struggling somewhat to stay afloat. The first problem is my lack of foresight. I will commit to something in the future, forgetting that, as always, more immediate and unexpected concerns come up. Therefore, currently I am committed to language learning, proof-reading various prayer letters, the school production, fortnightly WEC meetings, meetings with my WEC supervisor. I’ve had to drop the English teaching in the province for a while as my calendar seems to be bursting at the seams.
These could all be manageable if I didn’t have other things to do: plan lessons, respond to parents’ emails, mark work, go to meetings, chase up homework, my washing, shopping. Often these are small tasks, that on their own are not going to create an overwhelming sense of stress, but together they can create a sense of panic. Then, inevitably, someone will come up with “one small thing” or a “little favour” and it’s added to the 1000 other small things that are on your to-do list.
Even while I have been on holiday, the emails have been mounting (316 and rising) and the to-do list has been hanging over me. I’ve found it very difficult to switch off and my mind has already been jumping to the Christmas break.
Despite all of this, or rather because of this, I find that Cambodia is good for my soul. I love this country; I love Phnom Penh; I love the countryside; I love the vibrancy and the distractions it provides. A quick motorbike ride is enough to clear some of the cobwebs and to get you outside of your own head for a little bit. The chaos of the traffic and focusing on all the things happening immediately around you means that you can’t help but forget about the stresses of everyday life.
I’ve also been privileged enough to escape the city for a little bit. I visited Phnom Tamao Zoo then to one of the Cambodian beauty spots for lunch, and yesterday I also went to the province to visit Vitou’s family again. There’s something great about spending some time with Khmer people. You can just sit back, enjoy a few cans of Cambodia lager (I had just 2 throughout the whole day; the Cambodians have a few more), and eat the endless train of food that is set before you.
For Cambodians, sitting there with others whilst texting or doing something different isn’t seen as rude. There is no real concept of the divide of and public/private life. Most of their life is spent in the presence of others – Cambodians don’t really like time alone. So, it’s fine to spend some of it doing solitary things, with others around you. You can just sit there, enjoy each other’s presence, but have no pressure to be a witty raconteur or fill the awkward silences. It’s acceptable to just listen to conversations, play a game on your mobile, message other people, or just pick at the food laid out in front of you. You may have to interrupt what you are doing to join one of the ceaseless “cheers!” that happen at Khmer gatherings. Whatever the occasion, whether it is in a little bamboo hut on the bank of a river or at someone’s house, it’s okay, expected even, to just angkuy leng (ɑːŋkuj leːŋ) – sit and relax.
Some people actually seem to appreciate that I flood everyone’s inbox, facebook feed and general life with news about myself. Apparently, I’m better than average at keeping in touch with people back at home, so I was asked to give some tips to others in similar situations. I looked back on my previous posts and it turns out past me is wiser than I thought. (However, even a stopped clock is right twice a day, so I shouldn’t be too self-congratulatory.) In 2016, I wrote What I wish I knew 2, which deals with some of the emotional aspects of maintaining those relationships. Read it first! Also, this FAQ Thursday touches on this as well.
It’s really easy to feel isolated, forgotten about and disconnected. Some of that is because the people back home won’t know about your life . However, here are some ideas of how to maintain contact with home. Some of them are silly and whimsical, others take more time and investment.
Write a regular newsletter
This is the main technique that people in my situation use. It’s a quick and easy way to disseminate a lot of information quickly to a lot of people. There are of course some pros and cons.
Newsletters are rather impersonal. By their nature, they’re a catch-all and generic. People receiving them may feel a little indifferent to it, as they feel like they’re just one of an email list (which, of course, is true). Also, the time that goes into it doesn’t match the response. Very few people will ever respond to a newsletter (if you’re reading it, make it a personal mission to respond to newsletters!).
I’m not at all suggesting that you ditch the newsletter, but if you still want to maintain contact with home, you probably have to do things on top of this too.
Use social media
Facebook and any other type of social media is a blessing and a curse. It can suck time and compound feelings of homesickness. But it’s also a way to interact with those at home in a more personal way. I have used groups and pages in the past. There are reasons for this, if you think its social media overkill.
My Facebook page is public and open to everyone. It’s a way of presenting information to those that I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m close with but would like to maintain communication with (for example, those you met at a convention or something). It’s meant to be light and not particularly personal.
My Facebook group is by invite only. It is a bit more picky. I have criteria for who gets in the group. (Mostly, they’re Christians as it’s where I share things about my faith; they’re from home / not linked to my work here. These aren’t hard and fast rules.) Here I can post personal information, things I am struggling with, things I am enjoying. As the information is more personal, it seems a little bit more intentional in terms of who is receiving what and why.
Make an event of it
Sometimes, it’s really hard feel like you are connecting with people. Information is going out, a few likes and responses are going in. Also, there is no sense of immediacy. It might be hours or days until you get a reply. Time zones and people simply not knowing your routine means that phone calls etc., are a bit trickier.
One way is to make an event of a catch up. I’ve used Facebook live before. It was planned, at a set time on a set day and I advertised the fact I was doing it a few weeks in advance. I’ve also sent out invites to Skype calls. It was sent to particular individuals I wanted to catch up with, with the available days and times I was available to Skype.
It creates a sense of significance and it encourages a response. It is also helpful, as it’s hard enough to remember what the time difference means and when to catch up. Remember, be very specific about which time zone you are talking in though!
Remember birthdays, Mothers Day, Christmas etc. I’ve found out moonpig.com is my friend. I can schedule cards to be sent on the day in advance. This is quite hard, as often your brain is a bit disconnected with the rhythms back at home. This means I don’t have to worry about missing it because of timezones or internet problems.
There are just some silly ways to keep in contact. Tag people in memes. Send a joke. Arrange an event when you do something at the same time, just on other sides of the world (e.g. watch the latest episode of a TV series). Sometimes, personalising it is especially helpful.
I don’t think until I arrived in a different country and worked in an extremely international setting that I realised the extent of how different cultures could be. Furthermore, what is perceived as a positive and significant value in one culture is easy to dismiss as negative, rude or backwards in another. Stereotypes, conflicts and miscommunications often arise when these cultural values clash. However, if you take what can be seen as a negative cultural trait and try and flip it to its positive cultural value, it can be helpful in seeing why people behave how they do.
Positive Cultural Trait
Aloof and cold
Respect for personal boundaries
Loud and brash
Open and welcoming
Disingenuous or dishonest
Rude or blunt
Honest and straighforward
Dramatic and intense
Passionate, responsive, empathetic
Intrusive or nosy
Interested, community orientated
Treats everyone with warmth
Unforthcoming and taciturn
Desires deep, genuine relationships
Over-familiar with superiors/elders
Obsequious or passive
Respect for authority and social rank
Relaxed and easy-going
Pompous or nitpicker
Respect for ceremony and rules
I’ve seen in forums or heard in meetings people talking about how Khmer people are dishonest or don’t mean what they say. However, it made me laugh. As a Brit, diplomacy or tact is quite important (unless you’re a considered a close friend, then we’re really rude), so multiple times a day I would say something that other cultures would perceive as a lie. I did once try to point this out to those that said this, but I’m not sure if I was direct enough.
I’m definitely having to learn to be generous to others in terms of how I perceive them. I’m trying but it’s still very much a work in process. Which cultural traits values do you align with? Which negative traits do you see in others?
Living in Cambodia for an extended period has somewhat ruined travel for me. The idea of going to another country and only skimming the surface of the cultural and historical vastness of a country seems a bit incomplete and, inherently by its nature, superficial. The tantalising glimpses of another culture and life only create further questions. It also makes me feel foolish because I used to feel I had a somewhat complete view of a country I had merely visited. I suppose the maxim is true: the more you know, the more you know you don’t know.
It made me think about what questions someone should know the answer to in order to feel like they had a basic grasp on a country. Many countries require a citizenship test, that ask seemingly arbitrary questions, for those wishing to become a citizen of this country. I thought about what questions I would include if I wrote a citizenship test. So far I’ve come up with about 260 questions. Some of them could be a dissertation topic in themselves; some of them would just require a quick google search. Hopefully, some of them would get people to ponder a bit more about the country they live in, are studying or wish to integrate in.
1. The basics
What is the name of the country?
Who leads the country?
What type of government is it?
Who are its nearest neighbours?
What are its major languages?
What is the population of the country?
How many people live in urban areas? What is that as a percentage of the overall population?
What are the largest urban areas in the country? What are their populations?
How many people live in rural areas? What is that as a percentage of the overall population.
How does the country’s population compare to the rest of the region?
What are the different people groups in the country?
Where can they be found?
What is the main people group and what is their attitude towards the others?
Which people groups have the economic power and political power in the country?
What are the different people groups’ attitudes towards the others?
Which people groups live alongside one another?
What type of interactions are there between the groups (business, social, religious, etc.)?
What are the sources of conflict between the people groups?
What stereotypes have each group formed other the other?
What are the obvious shibboleths (cultural markers) of each group?
What are the main differences between the groups?
What is the average age of the country?
What is the average life expectancy of the country?
How does the life expectancy vary regionally, between urban and rural areas, and between people groups?
What is the population growth of the country?
What are the consequences of this growth?
Are some people groups growing quicker than others? What could be the impacts of this change in demographics?
What are the effects of emigration and immigration on the population?
What are the factors causing emigration and immigration?
What are the attitudes towards emigration and immigration?
3. Geography, climate and landmarks
What landscapes are there in a country?
How do the landscapes influence the lifestyle of those living there?
What is the climate of the country?
What seasons are there?
How do the climate and seasons effect the culture and daily life?
How do the landscapes look different according to the seasons?
Is the climate and weather different in different regions?
How do the seasons affect nature, wildlife, crops and harvests?
How have the seasonal changes been affected by climate change?
How has this affected the people?
What natural landmarks are there in the country?
What are the attitudes towards these landmarks?
How are these landmarks a part of the national identity?
What manmade landmarks are there in the country?
What are the attitudes towards these landmarks?
How are these landmarks a part of the national identity?
4. Culture and values
What is the dominant culture?
Is it a individualistic or communal culture?
Is it a guilt culture, shame culture or fear culture?
What are the significant cultural values?
What of the consequences of breaching these cultural values?
How do others respond to social deviance?
How is social order and the status quo maintained?
What behaviours are considered polite or impolite?
What do they celebrate?
How do they celebrate?
How do they respond to major life events (births, deaths, sickness, marriage, new job, job loss, moving house)?
What are the general fears of the culture?
What do they do to alleviate these fears?
What secular holidays or national celebrations are there?
How are the holidays and celebrations linked to the climate, geography or nature of the country?
What do these holidays and celebrations tell us about what is important to this culture?
What are the influences of minority cultures, neighbouring cultures or other cultures on the culture of this country?
What social hierarchies and class systems are there?
How can you tell the difference between those of difference social status?
Is it easy to gain social status?
What generational differences are there in terms of cultural values?
What are the traditional arts, songs, instruments and dances of the country?
Are these traditions being preserved or are they dying out?
What other traditional cultural artefacts are there?
Who performs or creates these cultural artefacts?
Where can you see them displayed or being created?
What are the myths and legends of the culture?
What stories are famous and often told?
What proverbs are there?
What are the major events to affect the country within living memory?
How are these events remembered and commemorated?
What effect do these events have on the national psyche and sense of identity?
How do different generations view the events?
How do the different people groups view these events?
How widespread was the effects?
How does the global community view the events?
How is this similar or different to how it is viewed in the country?
How are these events taught in schools?
How are they talked about?
What historical events are still celebrated or commemorated in the country?
How are they remembered?
What does the remembrance of these events suggest about nation values and identity?
How are these historical events viewed across generations and people groups?
How have these historical events been mythologised over time?
How are they taught in school?
What is the dominant religion of the country?
How does it affect the social structure of the country and of communities?
What religious buildings are there in the country and in the average community?
How does religion affect daily life?
What religious festivals and observances are there?
How does faith affect views towards major life events?
How do they believe the world was created?
Where do humans come from according to their beliefs?
How do they explain other natural phenomenon?
What happens when people die?
Will the world end? How will it happen?
How do people interact with the spiritual domain?
Who is able to interact with the spiritual domain?
What hierarchies does religion create or enforce in the country?
What role does religion have in maintaining the status quo?
How is this country’s religion different from its neighbours?
How do people of this country worship in a way that is different to other adherents of that faith?
What superstitions are there?
What objects, animals or natural phenomenon have spiritual significance?
What beliefs are there in fate or luck?
How can you change your fate or luck?
7. Family life
What is the size of an average family unit?
Who makes up an average family?
How many people will live in the same house?
What is the size of an average house? How many rooms does it have?
How many children does an average woman have?
What are the roles of each member of a family?
Do families live within the same communities?
What are the attitudes towards care for the elderly?
How are children raised, disciplined and nurtured?
What is the average age to get married?
When are you considered past your prime?
Who haves the economic power or responsibility in a family?
What traditions and practices are there relating to pregnancy and birth?
What traditions and practices are there relating to death and illness?
How do they celebrate birthdays?
What ceremonies are related to courting, engagements and weddings?
What is the attitude towards divorce and infidelity?
What are the rates of domestic abuse?
Are there differences in family life between urban and rural areas? What are they and why are there these differences?
How has the look of the family changed between generations?
What does a family meal look like?
How often do extended families eat together?
8. Daily life
What time do people get up?
What time do they go to bed?
How many people share a bed?
What are the children’s/babies sleep routines? Are they different from the adults?
How many days a week do they work?
How long are their work hours?
What are the household tasks or chores that need doing?
Who does them?
Where do they do their shopping?
How many meals do they eat a day?
What do they eat for each meal?
Do they eat at home or do they eat out?
How much money do they spend on grocery shopping?
What do they do with their free time?
Who do they spend their free time with?
What is the most popular non-alcoholic and alcoholic drink in the country?
What sports are popular in this country?
What music do they listen to?
Do they use social media? Which sites do they use?
Do they have access to television, radio or films? What do they watch?
What objects would you find in the average house? What are they for?
What daily struggles or frustrations might a person face?
What transportation do people use on a daily basis?
What do people wear on a daily basis?
What influences the fashions and what is worn?
How far do people travel on a regular basis?
What are the names for community units? How are they structured?
What hierarchies are in place? Who has authority within a community?
Where do communities gather?
When do communities gather?
Where do communities interact?
Where is the heartbeat of community life?
What is the relationship between private and public life?
Who are the gatekeepers to the communities?
Who knows everyone’s business in a community?
What social ties are there within communities?
How do people feel about spending time with others?
How do people feel about spending time alone?
How many people have visited other countries?
10. Education and employment
What level of the population are literate?
What is the education system of the country?
What is the attitude towards education in the country?
How many children attend school?
How big are the average classroom sizes?
How do the following factors affect educational attainment: gender, region and affluence?
Which educational establishments have the best reputation?
What is the most common type of degree, certification or training?
How do most people find work?
What is the rate of employment in the country?
What are the consequences of unemployment?
Which sector is the largest provider of employment in the country?
Which company is the largest employer?
What is considered a good job in the country?
What is the average wage?
How many people live in poverty?
What sectors are growing in the country? How is this impacting employment?
11. Health and safety
Does the average family have a fresh water supply? Where do they get their water from?
Does the average family have access to electricity? What are the sources of electricity?
How do they maintain cleanliness and hygiene?
Does the average family have access to a toilet?
What illnesses are common in the country?
How are they treated? How are they prevented?
Is prevention, treatment and health education widespread?
What is the infant mortality rate?
How many people per doctor are there in the country?
What is the leading cause of death?
What is the rate of alcohol addiction?
What is the rate of substance abuse?
Where are the best hospitals?
Who has access to them?
What is the attitude towards medical treatment?
What traditional practises are used to treat illnesses?
How do cultural beliefs impede improvements in health?
What dangerous animals are a risk in that country?
What is the safest way to travel?
What do people feel afraid of? What makes them feel unsafe?
How long is the dominant language’s alphabet?
What are the main features of the language?
What other languages are spoken?
What gestures or facial expressions are important?
What gestures or facial expressions are best avoided?
Is the communication style direct or indirect?
What honorific terms are used?
How is status, hierarchy or social identity revealed through speech?
How similar is spoken speech to its written language?
What percentage of the population uses mobile phones?
What are the major network providers?
Is there a postal service and how do you use it?
How is major news and important information distributed?
What TV stations are there?
What newspapers are there?
Is the country an LEDC (less economically developed country) or MEDC (more economically developed country)?
What is the GDP per capita?
What is the percentage of annual GDP growth?
What factors have promoted economic growth in the last decade, twenty years or fifty years?
What factors have prevented economic growth in the last decade, twenty years or fifty years?
How has the life expectancy changed over the last decade, twenty years or fifty years?
How has the infant mortality rate changed over the last decade, twenty years or fifty years?
How has the literacy rate changed over the last decade, twenty years or fifty years?
What is the country’s largest source of money?
What is their biggest export?
How many tourists visit a year?
Where do the tourists come from?
Who benefits most from tourism?
Who benefits most from businesses?
How is the country’s wealth distributed?
What are major common themes in the various answers?
What are the biggest trends in growth?
What are the reasons for optimism for the country?
Who is doing important working in promoting change for the country?
What are the major challenges this country might face in the future?
What are the possible solutions to such challenges?
What changes do people predict for the country?
What changes do you predict for the country?
What could the outside world do for the country?
What is your own personal relationship with the country?
What are your thoughts and feelings about the various topics?
What surprised you the most?
What topics would you research further?
How did you find the answer to the questions?
What personal anecdotes do you have about adjusting to life in this country?
What sources of conflict are there between your native culture and your second (or third) culture?
What have been the major challenges for you adapting to this country?
How do you feel about the country now having answered the questions?
What discovery do you think will be the most helpful in integrating into this country?
What mistakes have you made in the past that you now understand more fully having answered these questions?
I can probably answer about 40% of the questions with any accuracy. The answers would be too long for a single blog post, but I might try answering them. By the time I have finished them all, I would probably have a rather comprehensive research paper on my hands.
Hopefully, others that I intending to get to know a particular country more fully, or just cement what they know about a place more fully, will find this list interesting and helpful.
My friend mentioned that mosquitoes are our true friends in Cambodia: they are always there when you go home and they never leave you nor forsake you. In Cambodia, mosquitoes are carriers of both malaria and dengue fever. Malaria is only present in the most rural areas and I am not at risk of catching it in my day-to-day life. Dengue, however, is an urban illness.
Dengue was first detected in Cambodia in 1963. (I don’t think that means it first arrived in Cambodia then, but I’m not an expert.) Since then its occurrence has been rising steeply. In 2018, there were over 15,000 reported cases of dengue. There are sometimes epidemics, for example in 2017, there were around 39,000 reported cases. There have already been over 1,000 cases of dengue reported in 2019.
Dengue fever can be just like a really bad case of the flu. However, there are deadly complications, which include dengue hemorrhagic fever and dengue shock syndrome. Also, it can take weeks to recover from.
Even when not considering the general risks, mosquitoes make life somewhat uncomfortable and annoying. They like dark places and seem to hide in clothes. Here are some annoying mosquito related scenarios.
Opening your bag and a dozen mosquitoes fly out.
Going to put your underwear on and a dozen mosquitoes fly out.
Squashing a mosquito and realising you killed it too late because your hands are now smeared with your own blood.
Waking up because a mosquito flew into your ear canal.
Getting too excited with the mosquito bat and realising you’ll be living in a mosquito graveyard for the next month.
Spraying the bathroom with insecticide then instantly needing the toilet. You have to choose between suffocation or wetting yourself.
Spraying insect repellent in front of a fan and getting it in your eyes.
Spraying your hands with DEET then touching your lips.
Inhaling a mosquito.
Getting a tuk tuk and realising that a cloud of mosquitoes are also hitching a ride.
Wanting to sleep with your back to the fan but knowing you’re creating a windshield that will allow stealthy mosquitoes to get to you.
Using a mosquito coil too near to your clothes so you smell of smoke for weeks.
Saturday was a typical day in my life in Cambodia. A lot of the activities were not things I do on a regular basis, but it’s more about the rhythm and the ups and downs of life here. Hopefully, it gives a bit of an insight of what life here can be like.
Saturday started early, because I had a lot to do. It was pretty well planned, to the extent that you can plan anything here in Cambodia. I had to buy things for school camp, get my hair cut and then go to a supermarket to buy ingredients for a pasta salad I was making. In the evening, I was going on a boat ride to celebrate my 31st birthday.
The first things was to catch a PassApp to Phsar Orussey (Orussey Market). I left the house at 8:30 and arrived at the market at 9am. The market had been open for an hour, but stalls were still opening. Phsar Orussey is the size of a shopping mall, but consists of hundreds of approximately 2m x 2m stalls. Orussey Market sells pretty much everything, if you know where it is. It’s so easy to get lost in the labyrinth of stalls and find yourself going in circles.
I was here to buy glow sticks. I’d been given some fairly clear instructions. Find the seeds and the grains on the ground floor. Past that bit are two stalls that sell glow sticks. I felt hopeful. I thought it’d be (relatively) simple. (Actually, I wasn’t particularly naive about it. I’ve been here long enough…)
I circled the store; I found lights and light bulbs, toy stands, meat grinders, dry fish. It was hot and I was sweating. The alleyways were narrow, and there were men with trolleys carrying goods inside constantly passing through asking you to move out their way. Finally, I found the grains (there were about twenty stands), and it was the next section with the toys and party supplies that looked the most promising. I circled the stands peering in to see if I could see the tubes of glow sticks I was told they sell. No luck.
Eventually, I changed tactics. I brought up a picture on my phone and started asking “mean neh?” (មាន នេះ) or “Got these?” I was given vague directions each time. “Over there,” they would wave. I would go on and then ask someone else. Over there (but in the direction I came from). I was was ready to give up. (“No, Thomas, you are tenacious. You will do this.” I told myself again and again.) I found a stall with a child and a woman manning it. She saw the picture and shock her head. However, she then pointed at a stall diagonally opposite.
I went to the lady at the next stall, handed over my phone. She zoomed in on the picture. “How many?” She bent below her counter, rummaged a bit then handed over one tube of 50 glow sticks. I asked for four of those. Sweat was still dripping from my head. I was glad I wore black as it didn’t show too much. However, despite the tiredness, dehydration and general disgusting feeling, I felt successful.
I was just about outside of the market, when I saw a facebook message, “Hey, I heard you were picking up some glow sticks. Could you pick up a couple of hundred for primary too?” Back in I went.
Hot and thirsty, I thought I would go to a place to rehydrate. What is the coldest place in Phnom Penh? Starbucks. So I caught a PassApp there. I thought I would book my hair appointment online (usually I just walk in and it works out but I wanted things to be simple). I did it, but no message came saying the booking worked. That happened last time and it was fine. However, I had an hour to kill.
I wondered around the shops nearby (my hairdressers was in walking distance). I thought I would then go to the barber shop, when suddenly a couple approached me. They were Australian (judging by their accent), and asked, “do you speak English?” They explained they wanted to buy a camera memory card. I found some Khmer security guards to ask if there were any camera shops nearby (in very weird and convoluted Khmer…). They suggested IBC, which is a big book store that sells electronic products too. I agreed it was probably their best bet. It was only about 200 metres away. The only problem was, it was over the other side of one of Phnom Penh’s busiest and widest roads. I offered to help them cross it. The woman grabbed my arm at one point. However, they arrived safely through the welcoming doors of the shop. I tried not to feel too self-satisfied as I kept reminding myself, don’t be smug.
I returned to the barber shop. My appointment hadn’t gone through. I’d have to wait another 20 minutes. At this point it was midday. I’d have to get my haircut, go shopping, return home, cook the pasta salad and arrive in time for the boat. I told myself it would be fine.
The haircut experience was as per usual. I got a typically Khmer looking cut, but it was fine. I then walked to the nearest good supermarket, knowing there was an ATM on the way. I popped into the little room of ATMs and, knowing I’d have to do the shopping and pay for the boat hire and other costs, tried to withdraw $180. The ATM was painfully slow. It was a good three minutes from requesting the money until it returned my card. During this time, I did think, well nothing has gone too wrong yet today, so perhaps this is it. The card popped out. I waited for my cash to turn up. It didn’t. The machine just returned to the home screen. I used my other card and the other ATM to withdraw money. I just told myself, “This is a problem for tomorrow. I have no time to deal with it now.” (It turned out to be fine. No money has left the first account.)
I walked to the supermarket and found everything I needed. I ordered the PassApp. It was going fine. Other than not knowing whether I’d lost nearly $200 (which was tomorrow’s problem to sort out), this part was going smoothly. The PassApp driver knew what he was doing and was able to follow the map (not all drivers can actually read maps), so I could just relax and not have to give directions.
Twenty minutes into the journey I was in for a slight shock. A large machine on the top of a truck had spilt a ribbon of dark black oil over the road. At the junction, a motorbike slipped on the oil, and, with a sickening crunch, sent its passengers to the ground and their belongings across the road. A second motorbike, hoping to avoid the first, also skidded through the oil and crashed to the ground. It’s one of those moments when everything seems to pause. I expected to see broken limbs and blood. The sound and the suddenness in which everything happened suggested carnage. However, everyone got up and dusted themselves off. The PassApp trundled on, the driver only slowing down to tell one of the slightly injured men where their phone (“turosoab”) had ended up on the road.
A few junctions later, the PassApp stalled (this happens every journey). However, it wouldn’t start up again. I was definitely feeling the pressure of a lack of time. I just reminded myself that what would be would be and I’d have to deal with it as it happened. The PassApp driver pushed the vehicle to the side of the road. He tried rocking the rickshaw, moving it, wiggling the steering. Five minutes of this passed. Someone who manned a little tire-pumping stand at the side of the road helped the driver and the PassApp splutter into life again. We were back to trundling home.
I arrived home and got straight into action. I boiled the pasta; I washed and chopped the vegetables. I was sweating. I drank a ridiculous amount of milk as it was the only cold liquid I had that wasn’t for the boat party. The pasta salad was done and it looked good (even if I say so myself). I took a quick snap of it to send to friends.
I took a shower and got changed. It was when I was looking in the mirror that I realised what my barber had done. He had cut one arch above the ear a lot higher than the other. So much for the successful haircut part. (I really like the hairdresser too; we speak in Khmer and I enjoy it.)
I was in a rush to sort myself out and to dry off and get changed. One way to dry your hair quickly is to make use of the hot Cambodian air and use your fan as a hairdryer. I pulled my fan closer to me, whilst it was on. However, in the rush, I tugged too quickly. My finger pulled the cage of the fan forward and it hit the blade. Fortunately, the blade only skimmed my fingers, bruising the tips and slicing the middle finger slightly. It was a small injury, but it really hurt. Also, it bled quite a bit. I washed my finger, grabbed some tissues, collected the pasta salad and drinks and ordered another PassApp.
This tuk tuk driver seemed less sure about the map than the last; however, I was able to tell him “The riverfront near Wat Phnom”, which was straight forward. He did seem to go a strange route, straight through the busiest traffic spots. I still managed to arrive 30 minutes before the boat was booked, and just as some of my friends arrived too. Everyone arrived (after a few texts in jest about wanting to see the sunset not the sunrise) and we boarded the boat.
I think I pretty much switched off from then. I don’t actually remember seeing the sunset, only it got dark. I do remember having a really nice time with everyone and, of course, opportunities to have some fun with the very cute Khmer children who call me uncle.
A day like this is fairly typical. These are things that it made me realise about life here:
The smallest successes are big successes. Getting hold of the glow sticks was a major success. This is probably because…
Even the smallest task can be unexpectedly difficult.
Self-talk is quite important. Telling myself I was tenacious made me persevere and see the task through, even though I felt ready to faint in the heat and dizzy from the constant circles I had been walking.
I need to be willing to ask for help. Khmer people are friendly and helpful when they can be. If they don’t help, it’s usually because they are too shy.
Cambodia can be very unpredictable and chaotic. I think this can have either one of two effects: make you ridiculously stressed (like the poor Australian couple), or actually makes you less stressed. You realise that you are never really in control and that you deal with whatever problems when and how you can.
You devise a lot of coping strategies. Some of them your parents won’t approve of (not contacting the bank until the next day about missing money, for instance). But, you have learn to control your emotions in a situation and not let them control you (it doesn’t always work and of course, it sometimes gets too much for anyone).
Perseverance and tenacity are important. I see this in a lot of my friends here. However, I think if you are the type of person who has made it to living abroad in a country such as Cambodia, you tend to have some of those qualities anyway.
I love my time in Cambodia. It’s great and the country and its people are beautiful. So often I am overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude that I am here. However, that’s not to say there are challenges. Here are some of the biggest ones.
3. Cultural clashes
It probably hasn’t escaped your attention, but I am English. In fact, I am quintessentially so. If you wanted a stereotype of an introverted English man, look no further. This means that I am awkward, embarrassed, and uptight. I obey a needlessly endless string of social rules and conventions and social politeness and etiquette is relatively important.
What is difficult is that it is easy to forget that other English speakers are not necessarily English in culture. They probably have lower blood pressure and negotiate social situations with a lot less stress as a result. However, despite the shared language, their relaxed attitudes and happiness to discuss various subjects sometimes translates poorly into English culture. It can come across as overly familiar, nosey or insensitive.
My Khmer is developing, but it’s at the stage where actually it sometimes makes it worse. When I was first learning, what I understood was so limited, that I could often rely on the fact that I probably misunderstood the communication, or wasn’t able to make myself understood. This meant hand gestures, repetition and double checking were necessary. Therefore, often everything was tedious but you seemed to have a better sense of when you arrived at an understanding (or when you didn’t, which was the more frequent of the two scenarios).
What I understand has grown and what I don’t understand has shrunk a bit. However, this means that often the two parts overlap. Sometimes, I think I have understood, but actually I didn’t. This is this language danger zone. You go away satisfied that everything is fine, but find out later that you have unwittingly unleashed a disaster of confusion. I accidentally refused an invite to a wedding because I thought the guy was asking something else.
I can’t wait to get to the part where what I understand is far larger than what I don’t.
1. Communicating with home
This is probably one the hardest parts of living abroad. And it’s not me, it you. Well, actually it’s communicating with you.
Life in Cambodia is different, both in big, drastic ways and in subtle, difficult to perceive ways. Even if you have been to South East Asia or Cambodia itself, the day-to-day reality can be a lot different to the tourist’s or visitor’s experiences. When communicating with people who have never been, it can be even harder.
For example, let’s say I wanted to tell you about my visit to a market. The word market possibly conjures up lots of different images. For the typical westerner, it might mean a farmers’ market, full or organic food and artisanal breads and shiny round wheels of cheeses. The market in the UK is a middle-class day out. It’s clean; it’s sterile; it’s a bit dull.
In Cambodia, the market is the heartbeat of daily life. You can buy most things at the market, especially the bigger ones such as Central Market or Orussey Market. It will have fruit, vegetables, clothes, shoes, motorcycle parts, jewellery, souvenirs, homeware, incense, flowers, stationery, books and stands selling hot food. They are great, but they are hot, sweaty, and often really smelly. If it’s outside, you get the fumes of motorbikes and tuk tuks as they idle while their riders negotiate prices; inside the air is fetid with the smell of fish and blood and dank water that runs down the open gutters through centre of the market. The experience is also dependent on which market you go to.
To communicate these differences and the experiences are lengthy and time consuming. The market is just one example. My walk to work, a general journey through Phnom Penh, a Cambodian mall, a Cambodian village, a Cambodian home, the Cambodian countryside: these are all experiences that are quite difficult to articulate. It sometimes feels that just to have a meaningful conversation, you have to spend an hour explaining and describing the nuances of Cambodia. And that’s hard and can be isolating.
Also, there’s sometimes an unintentional power to words. Cambodia is great. I also know most of my friends here feel the same way. But sometimes we moan and we vent and we laugh about our experiences (such as nearly being stampeded by water buffalo on the way to work, a mosquito flying up our nose, the panic induced by thinking your air-conditioner is broken, getting misunderstood at a market, ending up at the wrong destination in a PassApp). But they are not really that significant. Yes, they can be annoying and sometimes it gets on top of us when we are tired or there is one too many mosquitoes buzzing around our head. But it’s just a fleeting complaint. We dust ourselves off (sometimes literally- Cambodia is really dusty in the dry season) and carry on. We don’t cry (every time); we don’t self-pity for too long; we don’t dwell. We let it out; we move on and we do the same again tomorrow.
However, often, by communicating it to people back home, suddenly it’s become something bigger than you intended. It’s suddenly the front-page news or the big issue. But that’s not how you wanted it to work out. A simple rant or joke can sound like a life-time trauma to those not in the midst of it.
Now, it’s my blog, so I can say what I want to. Sometimes, the hardest thing is the radio silence from the home end. It feels like we’ve set up a one-way radio system. I transmit updates, details and newsletters, and blogs, and Facebook posts. I actually have to work quite hard at it. A blog post may take an hour or so. The Fact Fridays or Words of the Week take 30 minutes. The newsletters can take up to three hours. Just a “It was great to hear from you!” is all it takes to feel like someone is out there and interested. Otherwise, all I’m getting is static at this end and it makes me wonder if it’s worth doing. Let me know you’ve read it. Ask questions (I know that’s hard, sometimes the lack of knowledge means it’s really difficult to know what to ask). Find out about something and ask me my thoughts on it. Challenge me to do something. Invite me on a Skype date. Tell me three things that have happened to you in the last week. It doesn’t have to be huge, but just let me know you are out there.
My parents visited me in January 2016. It was great to see them again and helpful for both of them to experience a bit my life in Cambodia. They were (hopefully) reassured that I could live happily and safely in this country. However, there were quite a few moments that I found frustrating and difficult.
So, I’m going to share my few words of advice about what surprised me most about the visit, both for the visited (although that sounds more spiritualist than intended) and the visitors.
In the weeks before and during my parents’ visit, my mind became a whole crucible of emotions: excitement, anxiety, joy and sheer panic. I put a lot of pressure on myself. You suddenly feel the burden of representing a whole nation to your guests, being responsible for their well-being and also convincing them that your choice to move to some distant land was reasonable and well thought-out. I hadn’t realised how stressful I would find it, but gradually, as my parents’ arrival date grew closer and closer, I felt a strange sense of impending doom.
Until my parents’ arrival, my life in Cambodia had been very separate to my life in the UK. Of course, I shared it with them through phone calls, this blog, Facebook posts and more. But they were snippets and some of them were carefully controlled. Now, my two worlds were colliding and my ability to manage the image I was presenting was limited. Cambodia is unpredictable and things go wrong at the most inopportune or ironic moments (like when you announce to your dad, “the beef here is really good!” for the restaurant to serve, for the first and only time ever, gristly, dry beef).
However, a lot of my feelings took me by surprise and it took me a while to work out why I had them.
You have placed a lot of significance in things without even realising.
One thing that you want to do when you have guests is to take them to the places that are important to you or places that hold special memories. You want to be able to share the significant aspects of your life with people significant to you. However, this can also make the situation slightly fraught and difficult.
Your visitors may not realise that this place is particularly significant to you. Heck, you possibly didn’t realise until you felt as if your memories and feelings with being trampled on. It happened to me.
I took my parents somewhere one evening. I can’t even tell you the name of it as I’ve forgotten. I had been there before with colleagues from the Khmer school I had been working at. I was there for a relatively short time and not much thought about it. However, I didn’t realise that the place had become imbued with importance. I had enjoyed the evening with my colleagues, and there I had felt a sense of connection with them personally, as well as an appreciation for Khmer culture in general. Despite not remember its name, this place was now associated with really positive memories and experiences. I had not realised that, for me, this place had become sacred ground.
I took my parents there. My dad wasn’t feeling well, so spent most the time with a pained expression of his face and making strange noises. They just didn’t seem to enjoy the evening in general. (My dad actually voiced his dislike of the occasion whilst we were there.)
You know in Inside Out, where they play memories in the balls, and Sadness touches a happy memory and it turns blue? Well, I could feel that happening. My parents had inadvertently trampled all over this sacred ground.
My tips for navigating this is to think beforehand why that place may have a special place in your heart. What memories were made there? Where there any particular success or milestones?
Once you have realised why that place may be important, tell your visitors. It is not fair on your guests if you lead them blindly into situations where they could cause unintentional hurt. So, let them know. Even say the words, “This place is significant because…” or “This place holds a special place in my heart as it’s where…” Then you’ve done your bit in communicating what you feel about the place. Also, your visitors might appreciate you sharing about your experiences and will feel like they understand your life a little better.
Make new memories
Another way to avoid the clashing of memories is to go to new places together. Some of the times I enjoyed most with my parents were when we went to places I had never been to before. First, there was no pressure of them enjoying or agreeing with your feelings about something. Second, it’s just great to do new things and to forge memories that you can share. Blooms in Phnom Penh, Preah Vihear in the north of Cambodia, Phare the Cambodian circus in Siem Reap are all now significant places to me because I went there with my parents.
My main advice would just be to tread lightly. Even if you are really close to the person you are visiting, you are being invited into that aspect of their lives. Be a good guest.
Ask if they have been there before and ask them about their memories there. Don’t always expect them to always be able to articulate the place’s significance to you. It may be that actually, it is really unimportant to them. But being polite about it won’t do any harm and it would avoid the risk of offence.
Also, quite often people will feel the same way about the country they’ve moved to in the same way that they do about family members. They can moan about them as much as they like, but if someone starts doing the same it’s rude. My dad told me that I hadn’t truly settled in Cambodia as I couldn’t accept any criticism of it. My dad is such an idiot, isn’t he? (Say “yes” and you’re in for trouble.)
Just remember, you are allowed to have whatever opinions of a place you like. Also, I believe in free speech. You can voice your opinions, too. But, I also believe in the saying, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. You have the freedom to jump from a second story balcony unto the concrete below. But you shouldn’t. You also have the freedom to say what you like about the place you are visiting. But it may be better to bite your tongue.
Again, you are being invited into that person’s life. It’s not just another holiday destination for them. If someone invited you to their home, you would be careful what they say. You wouldn’t start rating it like on TripAdvisor. Treat the whole country like the person’s home. Don’t rate it, evaluate it or critique it. Just enjoy sharing in it. If you’re not enjoying it, you better try faking it.
Another thing that could make it easier is don’t act like you are an expert on the subject of the country you are visiting (unless you are of course). That person may have lived there only for some months, or it may be years. Either way, if you are just visiting, they probably have a far better knowledge of the place than you. Therefore, advice may go unheeded.
Relax. I think most of the problems were a result of the unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself to be Cambodia’s ambassador.
It’s a privilege to share in other peoples’ lives, whether you are the host or the guest. Treat it like a privilege.
The internet and social media can be a beautiful thing. However, with the short nature of the messages and the impersonal interface, miscommunication and frustrations abound. When you’re chatting to multiple people at once, sometimes just trying to keep track of who is saying what and deciphering some of the conversations can be enough trouble in itself. Of course, this example has been totally exaggerated and has little basis in truth.